J: What did you want to say to me, Miss Barrett.
E: I have a confession. I realized that I have them all fooled. For I am not brave - I am a coward, because I’d rather burn myself than admit that I’m jealous. And I know I only learned that so well because I wanted you to think that I was tough. But the truth is - it’s not that I stopped feeling jealousy. I mean, I’m a human after all. I think the reason I find the company of actors so intolerable? Because they remind me I’ve given up. Because I took something personally that may not have had anything to do with me. The last acting class I attended as an actor - I was kicked out of. And after that, in Meisner, I introduced myself as a writer. To take the pressure off myself. But my Mom warned me off training in Los Angeles as opposed to NY. She said, you don’t want to be a bad actor. So I ran away and joined the Moulin Rouge, convincing myself that what I needed to become a good actress was to gain some life experience. I knew I needed to fall in love again. Have my heart broken again. Dance at the Moulin Rouge while my tits were still perky. Do you think perhaps I was just running away? I could be bad at anything. But Mum told me, “you don’t want to be a bad actor.” I was so afraid of being the bad actor that I never gave myself the chance to find out, what if I care and what if I fail? Will I lose my mother’s love? Hardly. She thinks I’m SuperWoman. I think she is, too. Though neither of us would ever admit this out aloud. The truth is that I miss my Mum. The truth is my stomach is tied up in knots because I still don’t know if my passionate de-titlization of myself as an actor was just a very proud and silent scream of failure. Because for this stupid fucking “dream” I’ve pushed everyone away. And maybe I was always meant to be an introvert. And maybe I was always supposed to channel my truth in solitude. And maybe I’m upper-limiting, and it’s not a case of one or the other - zero or a one - maybe, just maybe - there can be more than what I expect or imagine. I want to scream from the rooftops that “I AM AFRAID” ... and then I want to run and hide. And not have anyone talk to me. It’s true I planned in my head the first line of what I was going to say last night on the hot seat. I loved not being able to plan the rest. I felt a surrender because I had no way of knowing what I was supposed to say next - until next was upon us.
But the voices of the shadows.
They scream so loud.
She yells out,
“HOW CAN YOU LOVE ME IF YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW ME?
UNTIL I CAN LET YOU KNOW ME, I CAN NEVER LET YOU LOVE ME EITHER”
The truth is I don’t want to lose you. The truth is I don’t want to give you a reason to disrespect me. The truth is I don’t want to give you ammunition to blow up in my face if and when a war ensues. Will my pride and ego conquer? Time will only tell.
What I love about you.
I love the way the skin at the top of your neck smells.
I love the silly dance you do with your penis.
I love that you’re so open to me.
I love that you teach me just how far I have to go when it comes to vulnerability.
I hate the way sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve you. That you’ll see I’m really a fraud.
I don’t got nothin' figured out.
I am as clueless as anyone.
And I project that onto you and I justify these bullshit theories to myself.
The last few months have been hard. It just feels like the men in my life always leave in the moment when I need them the most. I know this will be good for me - him leaving for a while. I feel like I love myself more lately when he’s not around. I guess his presence reminds me of the lies I tell myself. The way I justify every inch of my behavior just in case. Just in case you’re prepared to criticize me, please, come at me. Because a part of me has taken on my mother’s mean girl voice. And I pick at everything I do. Which is why when I’m around people I find it hard to let go. Today, hooping on the grass was amazing. I was so present to how the upper limiting would come into play when I was on a roll, or when people were watching me. Like, I couldn’t possibly be killing it for this long. Wait - do I feel my feet on the ground?? Do I really TRUST myself?
Half of me wants to run. All the time. I spend so much time running instead of appreciating what is here and what is right now. And going into an acting practice/exploration from that paradigm - what would that look like? Everything you breathe your love into, you breathe life into. I hope you can see that. Fall in love with acting badly. Exposing myself as the novice that I am. What I am not a novice at is being me. I mean, I’m not close to figuring it all out. I hope I never will be. But I have spent 30 years in inquiries.